Do we need an end-of-life doula? What essential skills do they bring to the table? Do we want to bring a stranger into such an intimate private moment for the family? Is Erika the right person for the job, assuming we need one? These are all questions I asked myself before we engaged with Erika.

Most people you ask would like to pass peacefully at home surrounded by loved ones as they draw their final breath. It’s a romantic notion, but does it play out that way? We attempted to have my father pass at home many years ago, and it was anything but peaceful. This year we lost my mother. She was 93, very hard of hearing, lost her speech to a stroke, was not mobile, and was virtually non-communicative. Taking care of my mother in her final days was tough physically and emotionally. We were caught between wanting to care for my mother’s needs for physical comfort, medication, and hygiene and reluctantly facing the inevitability of her passing. Erika saw the situation firsthand, and how we were handling it, then she sat us down for an enlightening conversation that changed everything.

In our discussion, we came to understand that my mother had been withdrawing from this world for weeks, if not months, beforehand. She, my mother, very much knew what she needed and wanted as she transitioned. Our well-intentioned focus on tasks like giving her medication, taking her to the shower, forcing her to drink more water, and moving her from bed to wheelchair to chair, were all very disruptive to the peace my mother so desperately needed. As you can imagine, this was not easy to hear or accept. Still, Erika communicated this message with so much love, empathy, and understanding that we could not help but make a shift. Her mastery in delivering this message was a beautiful blend of skill and gift. Erika’s nature is so essential to how she works.

From that conversation to my mother’s final hour, Erika helped us morph our behavior from determined, frantic, and forceful healing to empathetic, calm, and gentle care. The household’s energy shift was palpable, and the effect on my mother was apparent. Erika was instrumental in getting us effective hospice care, finding a funeral home, and handling other needs that would have robbed us of spending quality time with my mother.  Upon her passing, Erika lead a washing ritual with any that wanted to participate.  The result was very cathartic, peaceful, and a beautiful way to honor my mother as she was always so clean and neat on her person. Erika’s assistance during this challenging time was visible and appreciated even among the most skeptical among us. Everybody who met her commented on how consequential she was in helping us in ways we would not have imagined.

So to recap. Bringing a loved one home to pass is the easy part. The peaceful part is not a guarantee by any stretch of the imagination. The stresses you face in dealing with family, medical, physical, and emotional issues can be overwhelming. We found Erika to be uniquely skilled and gifted in helping us see things for what they were and to mold a process that eased our mom to pass beautifully and peacefully. We could not have done it without her. She is an incredibly caring, empathetic, and loving soul, exceptionally qualified in this challenging role that most people don’t know they will ever need.